i thunk so

I’ve always had a problem with authority, so it only makes sense that I would want to introduce a new wrinkle to the corporate bastion that is middle management.

Yes, it’s time for a makeover. You perpetually resource-wasting corporate slugs may as well enjoy your last days. There will be no place for you in your current form at I Thunk So, Inc. I’ve always said that when I become the ruler — I mean leader — of a legitimate place of business, I will take with me everything I’ve learned during my years spent in corporate trenches, mired in politics and small ideas. Let’s take a walk through a few lessons I’ve learned.

Company Loyalty
Remember company loyalty? Neither do I. It’s a fallacy. There was a day when someone might have proudly proclaimed “I’m a Company Man.” Well, I guess that when your kids grow up without ever having known you, at least they will be able to tell everyone at your funeral that you were “a Company Man.” Now there’s something to hang your hat on. The idea that someone would actually be loyal to a business entity should never resound with any business leader. I suppose there was a time, say, during the Great Depression and thereafter when unions became en vogue, that an argument could be made that corporations took care of their employees with things like paid lunch hours, health benefits, and profit sharing. To be clear, though, those things were never truly done in the interest of the worker. They were merely a mechanism to keep the production lines moving and the union ringleaders quiet.

We work hard, but we play hard, too
Let’s stop kidding ourselves about work and real life. Forcing people to reconcile work with family or leisure time is simply bad business. People are the most productive when they have clear and attainable goals to strive for. The most obvious daily goal would be leaving work on time to get back to the life they really care about. The sooner you get over the idea that people enjoy your company when they come to work every day, the sooner you will be able to move on to creating an environment where people can actually get work done, unencumbered by your presence.

That’s right. Nobody wants you around. You are what they talk about as soon as you leave the room. You are the reason they are Alt+Tabbing all day long. You are the reason they have rearview mirrors mounted on their monitors. They already have an established early warning system in place to thwart your best-laid plans for quashing office fun. In fact, the one thing that gives them the most pleasure is finding new ways to make you suspicious and paranoid.

Oh, and people don’t go to after-work parties to fraternize with management (or each other, for that matter). They’re there for the free drinks. Don’t believe me? Don’t pay for the drinks one time and see how many of your “buddies” show up next time.

More to come in Part II of this series. Stay tuned.

Filed by JP at 10:50 am under Opinions, Business